Holidays are stressful, so let's chill. Inclusively!

The holidays are rough for a lot of us. A lot of expectations and traditions that are counterproductive in a neurodivergent context.

If I may, I think there are three things going on for me during holidays. Being transparent of these differences can be helpful in coming to a mutual understanding.

1) I understand the premise of reconnecting and bonding time and the rituals that feature in the neurotypical way of doing things. And whilst connecting is important to neurodivergent folk as well, without accommodation, it can cause the disconnection and friction instead. For example; planning a group outing without including the needs of the other ends up feeling … like you are not being included. Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance; (Belonging is having a place on the planning committee).

2) Forced interaction, without built-in recharge time, is damaging for us hugely.  Often it leads to meltdowns, arguments and an erosion of trust.  You wouldn’t continue to go on a kite flying activity if thunderstorms rolled in - so why would you insist on Disney World during the holidays season for autistic folks without sensory breaks built in.  For friday night drinks in a noisy bar just because “that’s the way everyone else does it”?

3) Parallel play is intimate play.  I’m understanding more and more that this is not only an autistic child development thing. Perhaps it’s due to heightened awareness of the other person and thanks for the deceased social load; perhaps it’s just that we don’t have to be made of social hierarchies and continual reinforcement; nevertheless doing things together but separate is legitimate. 

Speaking of inclusion in holidays  Ludmila Praslova wrote a great piece on LinkedIn  about sharing the holiday period inclusively. It's a very broad in it's thoughts of being inclusive, something I'm working on being in myself (you can read the full article here.

Some of my neighbors had their icicle lights and reindeer up before Thanksgiving. It is clear that many are longing for holiday traditions and the "classic" fun – complete with office parties, music, and gift exchanges. But not everyone.

Holidays are stressful – before the pandemic, 38% of people said their stress increased during the holidays, and only 8% felt happier. For many, much additional stress has accumulated since then, as many people have experienced the grief of loss, illness, and the anxiety of economic uncertainty. This means that leaders, office party planners, and thoughtful colleagues must think carefully – and inclusively – about making holidays considerate and inclusive.

Inclusive thinking during the holidays goes far beyond potlucks celebrating various cultural traditions (as much as I like these!) and decore themes mindful of Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. People experiencing specific stressors associated with life events, financial situations, and physical and mental health might be particularly impacted by holiday stress – and it is as important to be mindful of emotional triggers as it is about food allergies.

But if the thought of adding more considerations to your holiday checklist is horrifying, relax. We can be considerate not just by adding but by subtracting. Here are a few ideas for how to remove certain holiday stressors and annoyances.

Respect financial sensitivities.

Money is one of the key holiday stressors. And some people have life-long money anxieties.

Adding way. In the workplace, this is where adding might beat subtr

acting! Even a modest holiday bonus can make a major difference for a struggling employee!

Subtracting way. Do not demand spending in addition to the "optional but really required" office party. Those invites with "everyone must bring a gift that costs at least $$" can be terrifying. That same amount some pay for two fancy coffees might be someone else's weekly food budget.

Make sure to avoid "cheap" shaming. You don't know about other people's financial situations or financial trauma. Allowing gag gifts, blatant regifting (some will do it anyway, so might as well), and homemade items can make for much more memorable fun. And if in doubt, just make it a clutter (aka present) free holiday.

Respect emotional sensitivities.

Holiday blues are a thing, and emotional inclusion is a must. Here are a few ways to practice it during holidays.

Adding way. Leaders and "season planners" might ask, "how do we best care for you?" - and follow up with personalized support. Participation and voice go a long way toward feeling included, and this type of consideration will be greatly appreciated.

Subtracting way. Don't make everyone "share a gratitude" at the "holiday spirit meeting" - or at least allow options ("a gratitude or a life lesson"). A clear option to skip and not participate might be extremely important to people struggling with grief and loss. Make it clear that it is OK not to be OK. Really.

Chuck "cheer-guilting" along with "cheap-shaming."

Respect sensory sensitivities.

Your favorite jingle can trigger migraines for one team member, cause sensory overwhelm for another, and trigger PTSD-connected memories for a visitor. And now, long COVID is associated with dizziness and chronic ringing in the ears (tinnitus), which can be quite torturous and made worse by music.

Adding way: When playing music in a shared area, make sure everyone is OK with the type of music, volume, etc. Don't assume that if people are not saying anything, they are OK and not bothered. Ask proactively.

Don't expect those who need quiet to wear ear protection or just suck it up. That would add pressure on those already stressed.

Subtracting way: low volume, instrumental music, or nature sounds are generally best tolerated by people in open offices. But the best way to accommodate everyone is to keep shared areas quiet while allowing everyone to listen to what they wish via personal headphones. The technology is here.

And when it comes to lights, low intensity and no blinking works best. That is, if anyone has the energy and inspiration to put them up at all.

A human touch for all.

What if adding bonuses is not an option, and finding treats that work for every dietary restriction is more than you can handle?

Adding way. No worries. A heartfelt note of gratitude goes a long way.

Subtracting way. Here is a subtraction that will likely be appreciated by everyone: take a look at various obligations with a focus on finding something that does not really need to be done (a meeting? a report? extra holiday-related tasks? something else that sounded like a good idea back in September?).

And then subtract that from people's agendas. That will likely cause some good cheer!

Holidays are stressful. But we can chill. Inclusively.

How are you managing through this holiday season?